1. Grow your nails until they resemble daggers.
Tip: If you're in a real pinch for time, avoid walking on pavement, cement, or any scratchy surface that may work as a nail filer.
Warning: If your daggers get too long before the humans notice, you may want to chew off just a *teeny* bit to avoid getting them stuck in the carpet or other loopy fabrics.
2. When your humans get home from "work" and have just sat down to relax, jump up and place your front paws on their hind legs, inserting your daggers into their flesh while you take a long stretch.
(***There is no illustration available for this activity because the humans don't find it very humorous or entertaining???***)
Tip: Be sure to REALLY stretch. The kind where you insert and release the daggers several times while grunting and moving from side to side.
Warning: This technique will certainly get your humans to notice how long your nails have gotten, BUT if he/she happens to be wearing pants made of thin material, you could get into serious trouble.
3. Make yourself appear upset when you see the nail clippers come out.
Tip: Use whatever works for you: pacing, panting, puppy dog eyes, etc. Be creative!
Warning: Only begin this technique once you're CERTAIN the nail clipping is about to begin. Otherwise the humans may think you've acquired a new neurosis which could translate into hours of pointless, grueling training and analysis.
4. When your human takes hold of a paw to begin the clipping process, promptly squirm and pull said paw away from the device, as illustrated below.
Tip: Be sure to pull your paw away BEFORE your dagger has been strategically placed into the clipping device.
Warning: If you fail to follow the aforementioned tip, you could end up with a bloody paw. Owwwwwwwwie!
5. At this point, the humans will begin blaming themselves for your obvious "discomfort" and "anxiety." (hee hee!) Before you know it - POOF - they hand you a KONG FILLED WITH PEANUT BUTTER!
Tip: Be grateful, but maintain an air of reservation. Begin to warily lick the peanut butter.
Warning: If you act too comfortable, they may think you've made progress which may mean NO peanut butter next time.
6. Allow the humans to cut a few of the daggers at a time without a fuss.
Tip: You'll need to experiment and find the right balance between enjoying the peanut butter and pretending to be preoccupied with the clippers. I've found that letting them cut about 3-4 daggers at a time is perfect, but everydog is different.
Warning: If you stop licking the peanut butter too often or act TOO anxious they may give up and send you to a groomer or, worse, the V.E.T.
7. Lick, lather, and repeat.
No tips or warnings necessary here - everydog knows rapid tongue movements are a must!
Good luck! And remember: no matter *what* happens, always keep an eye on the prize!!!