Sunday, October 28, 2007

How to Get Peanut Butter for Dummies: An Illustrated, Step-by-Step Guide

1. Grow your nails until they resemble daggers.

Tip: If you're in a real pinch for time, avoid walking on pavement, cement, or any scratchy surface that may work as a nail filer.

Warning: If your daggers get too long before the humans notice, you may want to chew off just a *teeny* bit to avoid getting them stuck in the carpet or other loopy fabrics.

2. When your humans get home from "work" and have just sat down to relax, jump up and place your front paws on their hind legs, inserting your daggers into their flesh while you take a long stretch.

(***There is no illustration available for this activity because the humans don't find it very humorous or entertaining???***)

Tip: Be sure to REALLY stretch. The kind where you insert and release the daggers several times while grunting and moving from side to side.

Warning: This technique will certainly get your humans to notice how long your nails have gotten, BUT if he/she happens to be wearing pants made of thin material, you could get into serious trouble.

3. Make yourself appear upset when you see the nail clippers come out.

Tip: Use whatever works for you: pacing, panting, puppy dog eyes, etc. Be creative!

Warning: Only begin this technique once you're CERTAIN the nail clipping is about to begin. Otherwise the humans may think you've acquired a new neurosis which could translate into hours of pointless, grueling training and analysis.

4. When your human takes hold of a paw to begin the clipping process, promptly squirm and pull said paw away from the device, as illustrated below.

Tip: Be sure to pull your paw away BEFORE your dagger has been strategically placed into the clipping device.

Warning: If you fail to follow the aforementioned tip, you could end up with a bloody paw. Owwwwwwwwie!

5. At this point, the humans will begin blaming themselves for your obvious "discomfort" and "anxiety." (hee hee!) Before you know it - POOF - they hand you a KONG FILLED WITH PEANUT BUTTER!

Tip: Be grateful, but maintain an air of reservation. Begin to warily lick the peanut butter.

Warning: If you act too comfortable, they may think you've made progress which may mean NO peanut butter next time.

6. Allow the humans to cut a few of the daggers at a time without a fuss.

Tip: You'll need to experiment and find the right balance between enjoying the peanut butter and pretending to be preoccupied with the clippers. I've found that letting them cut about 3-4 daggers at a time is perfect, but everydog is different.

Warning: If you stop licking the peanut butter too often or act TOO anxious they may give up and send you to a groomer or, worse, the V.E.T.

7. Lick, lather, and repeat.

No tips or warnings necessary here - everydog knows rapid tongue movements are a must!

Good luck! And remember: no matter *what* happens, always keep an eye on the prize!!!



Poppy said...

Mommy usually takes me to the vet to have my daggers clipped. She tried to do it herself the other day because she was to lazy to take me to the vet and I only let her do one before I started freaking out!


Hazel said...

I have to give it to you! You have found a way to use that guilt that humans always get!!!! Good for you! Myself, I don't get the thing you have for peanut butter but whatever turns your furry behind on!!!
Loved the pictures. You have that soulful look down pat!

Anonymous said...

Hehehe - I love it!!


Harry said...

Thanks for the step-by-step clips, most helpful!

Toodle pip,
Harry x

Marcie said...

I thought Fievel was the manipulative one. You sneaky little shiba.

ChaChi Lu said...

I don't know if Babs knows how to do this,so I am happy for the step by step guide. Mine are so pretty that I want to paint them pink. Thanks for the tips and enjoy your PEANUT BUTTER! OMDOG! YUM!

~ChaChi Lu Pink Champagne

COL. Sam ASTA-fari Joe H. Pinkerton Peabody, Esq said...

Very clever way to get PB. We will have to try that ourselves!

Ferndoggle said...

What a fantastic idea!! I hate getting my nails done but for peanut butter...I may put up with the torture.


Sparky said...

Hi you 2! Sorry I haven't been able to visit your blog for a long time. I've got lots of blogs to catch up on! Hehe.


A&S said...

hmmm we're not sure if that is worth it, altho we do love peanut butter!

Sophie Brador said...

That's a tough one for a city dog. I'm on those darn sidewalks all the time. Maybe if I wore socks. Ach! What am I talking about. I'm not wearing no damn socks. There must be a way .....


MJ's doghouse said...

wow wiley...that is some good info you got mom takes me to a groomer...but...i hate it...until i get a bunch of cookies at the end...but i may just try for peanut butter next time....

nm said...

You are a crafty bunch of shibas. My moms take me to the groomer where they dremel (use electrical devices that can cause electricution!) on my tootsies. However, there I get many smooches and bisquits. My nails resemble a midcareer super model (sort of the sporty look), not long, not too short.

I am a sucker for peanut butter though...

Simba said...

Soooo true! Thanks for illustrating! We dogs are certainly smarter than they give us credit for! Hehe!


Melissa said...

OH Wow these are great tips!!! Only thing since we moved we go for walks on cement and pavement all the time...good for the nails...BUT we have our own peanut butter methods too part of it is being always accessible when the jar is out...AND if you hear the scraping sound be at perfect attention and in the spot that they like you to be in looking very cute and helpful! Works like a charm!