Sunday, October 28, 2007

How to Get Peanut Butter for Dummies: An Illustrated, Step-by-Step Guide

1. Grow your nails until they resemble daggers.

Tip: If you're in a real pinch for time, avoid walking on pavement, cement, or any scratchy surface that may work as a nail filer.

Warning: If your daggers get too long before the humans notice, you may want to chew off just a *teeny* bit to avoid getting them stuck in the carpet or other loopy fabrics.

2. When your humans get home from "work" and have just sat down to relax, jump up and place your front paws on their hind legs, inserting your daggers into their flesh while you take a long stretch.

(***There is no illustration available for this activity because the humans don't find it very humorous or entertaining???***)

Tip: Be sure to REALLY stretch. The kind where you insert and release the daggers several times while grunting and moving from side to side.

Warning: This technique will certainly get your humans to notice how long your nails have gotten, BUT if he/she happens to be wearing pants made of thin material, you could get into serious trouble.

3. Make yourself appear upset when you see the nail clippers come out.

Tip: Use whatever works for you: pacing, panting, puppy dog eyes, etc. Be creative!

Warning: Only begin this technique once you're CERTAIN the nail clipping is about to begin. Otherwise the humans may think you've acquired a new neurosis which could translate into hours of pointless, grueling training and analysis.

4. When your human takes hold of a paw to begin the clipping process, promptly squirm and pull said paw away from the device, as illustrated below.

Tip: Be sure to pull your paw away BEFORE your dagger has been strategically placed into the clipping device.

Warning: If you fail to follow the aforementioned tip, you could end up with a bloody paw. Owwwwwwwwie!

5. At this point, the humans will begin blaming themselves for your obvious "discomfort" and "anxiety." (hee hee!) Before you know it - POOF - they hand you a KONG FILLED WITH PEANUT BUTTER!

Tip: Be grateful, but maintain an air of reservation. Begin to warily lick the peanut butter.

Warning: If you act too comfortable, they may think you've made progress which may mean NO peanut butter next time.

6. Allow the humans to cut a few of the daggers at a time without a fuss.

Tip: You'll need to experiment and find the right balance between enjoying the peanut butter and pretending to be preoccupied with the clippers. I've found that letting them cut about 3-4 daggers at a time is perfect, but everydog is different.

Warning: If you stop licking the peanut butter too often or act TOO anxious they may give up and send you to a groomer or, worse, the V.E.T.

7. Lick, lather, and repeat.

No tips or warnings necessary here - everydog knows rapid tongue movements are a must!

Good luck! And remember: no matter *what* happens, always keep an eye on the prize!!!


Friday, October 26, 2007

Wish I Were There...

I really wanted to go to the pawty this weekend, but my mom didn't get me a Halloween costume. I tried to come up with one of my own, but I had nothing to work with. I even went through the laundry basket but what can you do with human underpants and socks other than eat them?

I would have been happy showing up as a can of pumpkin moosh, like Tanner.

Or even an actual pumpkin, like Sherman.

But it seems that Joe Stain's magic wand is working overtime and probably won't be able to make it here in time to transform me before for the pawty. He's super busy casting spells and stuff.

So, this is the best costume I could come up with on such short notice...sans props.

Is it scary enough for you? I was going for a post-modernist take on Munch's "Scream." I realize that without makeup and wardrobe it has a tendency to get lost in translation, but it was the best I could do under the circumstances.

Ugh. I guess I'll just hang out here and wait for fall-out from the trick-or-treaters. Have fun at the pawty without me!


Tuesday, October 23, 2007

Operation Couch Arrest: Terminated

In light of the situation in Southern California, I decided to terminate my couch arrest and take a moment to appreciate the things I take for granted.

I am thankful for so many things - like, tennis balls and peanut butter and PIZZA. But it never crossed my mind to be thankful for the stuff that Fievel can't steal from me - such as fresh air, a safe house, and clear skies that let the sun shine through the windows.

I'm so, so sad for all of the animals and humans affected by the wildfires in So. Cal. - not to mention all those trees, grassy patches, and structures that behold centuries of historic Pee Mail from our forefathers. My Auntie MoJo lost everything in a house fire last year and it was devastating - I just can't even comprehend loss at this magnitude. I am deeply saddened.

My heart goes out to all of my dog bloggin' friends who are braving this terrible storm. Please be safe.


Sunday, October 21, 2007

This is a Message from the Emergency DOGcast System - This is NOT a Test!

Holy crap, everypup. I really need your help. See, my Mom put a comfy new rug in the kitchen because Fievel ate the old one. It's nothing fancy, but I like it. It gives me just the right support and the colors accent my red highlights. So, I innocently curled up for a nap.

But then you-know-who had to come and squeeze herself onto the rug, too. Why? Why does she insist on being so close to me?

It had been a long day and I didn't have the energy to fight. (And I sure as shi% wasn't going to sit there and deal with her biting my tail!) So, I had no choice but to surrender and hide under the couch. She's so dumb - she has NO idea where I am.

Needless to say I've been here ever since. I like it under here . . . I mean, it's kinda dark and hot, but it's amazingly quiet and peaceful. I'm thinking of taking up yoga or tai chi to help me channel the fantastical tranquility. I don't know - I'll deal with all the particulars at a later date, but in the meantime . . . if anypup could send me food, water, and a bone ASAP, I would *really* appreciate it. I'm STARVING and completely parched.


Thursday, October 18, 2007

Sunday, October 14, 2007

Cousin IT?

Gotcha, it's just my hair! Don't I look so sleek and shiny post-grooming?

The Dyson came out shortly after this picture was taken. I'd rather not discuss it.


Tuesday, October 09, 2007

It's Finger Lakin' Good (to be home)!

Whew. The people are finally back! They were smart enough to leave us with our best pal Maddie and her human dad, Uncle Brett. We received 5-star treatment (complete with steak and chicken hot-off-the-grill each night) but it only sort of lessened the blow when we found out where Mommy and Daddy were all week. They went to this place they love called the Finger Lakes in Upstate New York and stayed at this rockin' mansion without us!

Can you believe them? Check out the view from their balcony!

They went to a bunch of wineries and drank barrels of that gross red water that smells like paint thinner. I won't waste pictures on that . . . but listen to this. They cheated on us! Apparently they became "friends" with a stray cat who lives at the mansion and they fed her FILET MIGNON and SEAFOOD and BREAD! Look at deviously licking its lips...

We totally would have loved chasing that little rat all over the patio. Ugh. And as if that weren't bad enough, they got to play with OTHER DOGS at some of the wineries! What do we look like? Chopped liver? (Mmmmm...chopped liver...)

Isn't this guy's coat totally awesome? It looks manly and sporty. Like me!

Seriously, another cat?!?! They're killing me!

Whoa...wait a minute. They saw horsies, too? Everydog knows they are one of my faaaaavorite things!!!

These mysterious Finger Lakes are looking more and more like they're fit for a shiba! For real - look at the sky! It looks like a stuffie exploded all over it. I totally would have killed to roll around in that!

Holy crap! The Finger Lakes are so cool, even human statues leave Pee-Mail! Remind me again why we couldn't come?

Oh, wait a minute...what does that sign say?

Yikes...I don't think this statue is leaving Pee-Mail anytime soon. Is this what happens to dogs who stay too long in the Finger Lakes? Hmmm...maybe we don't want to go?!?!

Okay, never mind...we don't care about the cool stuff we didn't get to see. We are just happy that we are still of flesh and blood and totally capable to leave Pee-mails whenever and wherever possible. (Fievel would like to stress the wherever part.)

I was so excited to see my people and get back to my house. I looked like this the whole ride home - sniffing in the familiar smells and just excited beyond words!

Fivel's totally clueless and probably didn't even know we were going home, so she looked like this.

But alas, we are HOME! Mommy and Daddy keep saying we're acting like we have hangovers. I guess I have been kinda tired.

Fievel, too.

What can we say? It's good to be home.